var Who;
var Where;
var What;
var WhoFull;
var Local;
var Localsur;
var Loser;
var Winner;
var Celeb;
var Company;
var Product;

function qrand(n) 
{
RandSeed = (RandMultiplier * RandSeed + RandIncrement) % 0x7fffffff
return (RandSeed >> 16) % n
}

function q() 
{
RandMultiplier = 0x015a4e35
RandIncrement = 1
var now = new Date()
RandSeed = now.getTime() % 0xffffffff
}

function doPlace() 
{
var placeArray = new Array
("North Korea","Libya","Austerlitz","Cairo","Waterloo","Sparta","Britwell","Calcutta","Vladivostok","Irkutsk","Helsinki","Bannockburn","Antarctica","Pigeon Street","Sumeria","Byzantium","Troy","Kiribati","Vesuvius","Pompeii","Gaul","Moxley","Chalvey","Syria","Cuba","Slough","Bracknell","Staines","Langley","Bournemouth","New York","Los Angeles","Paris","Berlin","Afghanistan","Iraq","Baghdad","Basra","Kuwait","Tel Aviv","Turkey","Kabul","Idaho","Wales","Italy","Clacton","Bristol","Birmingham","France","Mulben","Whitby","Skegness","Swindon","Penzance","Alabama","Africa","Russia","Mongolia","Japan","China","Bognor Regis","West Bromwich","St Chinian","Liberia");
var n = (placeArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)

return (placeArray[r])



}

function someone() {
var someoneArray = new Array
("I Clavdivs","Otto von Bismarck","Mungo Jerry","Uncle Frank","A S Byatt","Goldfinger","Jimmy Tarbuck","Princess Diana","Kurt Cobain","Jesus H Christ","Bluebeard","Jan Teigen","Peter Beardsley","Tonto","Champion the Wonder Horse","John Noakes","Batman","Ian Paisley","Lionel Richie","Rod Hull","Henry VII","Hitler","Mussolini","Lucretia Borgia","Catherine of Aragon","L Ron Hubbard","Mick Aston","Torquemada","G W Bush \(no relation\)","Admiral Ackbar","Eddie Stobart","Snesley Wipes","Neil Kinnock","Martin Bormann","Toshiro Mifune","Fred Dibnah","Nimrod Ping","Harold Bishop","Ted Health","BA Baracus","John Craven","Luis Figo","Keith Chegwin","Eamonn Holmes","Benny Hill","Charles Bronson","Danny Invincible","Bill Gates","George Bush");
var n = (someoneArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (someoneArray[r])


}

function headPerson() 
{
var psnArray = new Array
("Bush","Blair","bin Laden","Saddam","Hoon","Straw","McShane","Berlusconi","Chirac","Hasselhoff","Archer","Putin","Batman","Paisley","Barrymore","Eriksson","Henry VII","Hitler","Mussolini","Castro","Richelieu","Plato","Kilroy","Chalabi","Prince William","Emperor Ming","Annan","Prince Charles","Beckham","Blix","Mr T","Gaddafi","Rumsfeld","Cheney","Reagan","Clinton","Prescott","Sharon","Elvis","Lynam","Arafat","Ronaldo","Wogan","Titchmarsh");
var n = (psnArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (psnArray[r])


}

function local() {
var locArray = new Array
("Paul Daniels","Engelbert Humperdinck","Robert Maxwell","Jar-Jar Binks","Lord Lucan","Arthur Fowler","Richey Manic","Tony Blackburn","Giuseppe Mantovani","McDondo Slimecab","George Washington","Harper Lee","Captain Oates","Joe Dolce","Fletcher Christian","Ned Kelly","Lord Palmerston","JR Ewing","Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart","Emile Zola","Telly Savalas","Napoleon Bonaparte","Jesus Christ","Adolf Hitler","Benito Mussolini","Abraham Lincoln","Jive Bunny","Alexander the Great","Oscar Wilde","Timon of Athens","Snesley Wipes","Neil Kinnock","Martin Bormann","Toshiro Mifune","Fred Dibnah","Nimrod Ping","Harold Bishop","Ted Health","BA Baracus","John Craven","Luis Figo","Keith Chegwin","Eamonn Holmes","Benny Hill","Charles Bronson","Danny Invincible","Bill Gates","George Bush");
var n = (locArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
var s = (locArray[r])

surarray = s.split(" ") 

Localsur = (surarray[1])
return s
}


function gendefs() {

Loser = teamgen();
Winner = teamgen();
Local = local();
Who = headPerson();
Where = doPlace();
What = "";
Celeb = celebrity();
Product = techprefix() + cap(thing());
Company = company();

if (Who == "Bush") 				{WhoFull = "George Bush"}
if (Who == "Blair") 				{WhoFull = "Tony Blair"}
if (Who == "bin Laden")			 	{WhoFull = "Osama bin Laden"}
if (Who == "Saddam") 				{WhoFull = "Saddam Hussein"}
if (Who == "Hoon") 				{WhoFull = "Geoff Hoon"}
if (Who == "Straw") 				{WhoFull = "Jack Straw"}
if (Who == "McShane") 				{WhoFull = "Ian McShane"}
if (Who == "Berlusconi") 			{WhoFull = "Silvio Berlusconi"}
if (Who == "Chirac") 				{WhoFull = "Jacques Chirac"}
if (Who == "Hasselhoff") 			{WhoFull = "David Hasselhoff"}
if (Who == "Archer") 				{WhoFull = "Jeffrey Archer"}
if (Who == "Putin") 				{WhoFull = "Vladimir Putin"}
if (Who == "Batman") 				{WhoFull = Who}
if (Who == "Paisley")	 			{WhoFull = "Ian Paisley"}
if (Who == "Barrymore") 			{WhoFull = "Michael Barrymore"}
if (Who == "Eriksson") 				{WhoFull = "Sven Goran Eriksson"}
if (Who == "Henry VII") 			{WhoFull = Who}
if (Who == "Hitler") 				{WhoFull = "Adolf Hitler"}
if (Who == "Mussolini") 			{WhoFull = "Benito Mussolini"}
if (Who == "Castro") 				{WhoFull = "Fidel Castro"}
if (Who == "Emperor Ming") 			{WhoFull = Who}
if (Who == "Plato") 				{WhoFull = Who}
if (Who == "Kilroy")	 			{WhoFull = "Robert Kilroy-Silk"}
if (Who == "Chalabi") 			{WhoFull = "Ahmed Chalabi"}
if (Who == "Prince William") 			{WhoFull = Who}
if (Who == "Richelieu") 			{WhoFull = "Cardinal Richelieu"}
if (Who == "Annan") 				{WhoFull = "Kofi Annan"}
if (Who == "Prince Charles") 			{WhoFull = Who}
if (Who == "Beckham") 				{WhoFull = "David Beckham"}
if (Who == "Blix") 				{WhoFull = "Hans Blix"}
if (Who == "Mr T") 				{WhoFull = Who}
if (Who == "Gaddafi") 				{WhoFull = "Colonel Gaddafi"}
if (Who == "Rumsfeld") 			{WhoFull = "Donald Rumsfeld"}
if (Who == "Cheney") 				{WhoFull = "Dick Cheney"}
if (Who == "Reagan") 				{WhoFull = "Ronald Reagan"}
if (Who == "Clinton") 				{WhoFull = "Bill Clinton"}
if (Who == "Prescott") 				{WhoFull = "John Prescott"}
if (Who == "Sharon") 				{WhoFull = "Ariel Sharon"}
if (Who == "Elvis") 				{WhoFull = "Elvis Presley"}
if (Who == "Lynam") 				{WhoFull = "Des Lynam"}
if (Who == "Arafat")	 			{WhoFull = "Yasser Arafat"}
if (Who == "Ronaldo") 				{WhoFull = Who}
if (Who == "Wogan") 				{WhoFull = "Terry Wogan"}
if (Who == "Titchmarsh") 			{WhoFull = "Alan Titchmarsh"}

}

function winnerlastname() {

wln = Winner.split(" ")
return (wln[1])
}

function loserlastname() {

lln = Loser.split(" ")
return (lln[1])
}



function datey() {
var yr = qrand(2003)
return yr
}

function datemth() {
var mth = qrand(11)
if (mth == 0)	m = "January"
if (mth == 1)	m = "February"
if (mth == 2)	m = "March"
if (mth == 3)	m = "April"
if (mth == 4)	m = "May"
if (mth == 5)	m = "June"
if (mth == 6)	m = "July"
if (mth == 7)	m = "August"
if (mth == 8)	m = "September"
if (mth == 9)	m = "October"
if (mth == 10)	m = "November"
if (mth == 11)	m = "December"
return m
}


function datedy() {
var dayArray = new Array
("Monday","Tuesday","Wednesday","Thursday","Friday","Saturday","Sunday");
var n = (dayArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (dayArray[r])
}

function datext() {
var extArray = new Array
("st","nd","rd","th");
var n = (extArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (extArray[r])
}

function dateda() {
var ddd = qrand(38)
if (ddd == 0) ddd = 1
return ddd
}



function boink()
{
var n = 150
var r = qrand(n)
var w = "trh"
if ( r == 0 )		w = "RANDOM TIMES"
else if ( r == 1 )	w = "MAIMED SNORT"
else if ( r == 2 )	w = "MISNAMED TOR"
else if ( r == 3 )	w = "MEDIAN STORM"
else if ( r == 4 )	w = "MOIST REMAND"
else if ( r == 5 )	w = "MONIST DREAM"
else if ( r == 6 )	w = "NORSE DAMMIT"
else if ( r == 7 )	w = "ARID MOMENTS"
else if ( r == 8 )	w = "NOMAD\'S MERIT"
else if ( r == 9 )	w = "RANDOM ITEMS"
else if ( r == 10 )	w = "DORMANT SEMI"
else if ( r == 11 )	w = "STARDOM MINE"
else if ( r == 12 )	w = "INMATE\'S DORM"
else if ( r == 13 )	w = "MARMOSET DIN"
else if ( r == 14 )	w = "IMAM\'S RODENT"
else if ( r == 15 )	w = "SNIDE MARMOT"
else if ( r == 16 )	w = "MITRED MASON"
else if ( r == 17 )	w = "DIMMEST ROAN"
else			w = "RANDOM TIMES"
return w
}

function authors() {
var authArray = new Array
("Alexander Jackson-Pop","The Kurgen","Timothy Claypole","Mr Peter","Fatboy & Minkus","I Clavdivs","Otto von Bismarck","Mungo Jerry","Uncle Frank","A S Byatt","Goldfinger","Jimmy Tarbuck","Princess Diana","Kurt Cobain","Jesus H Christ","Bluebeard","Jan Teigen","Peter Beardsley","Tonto","Champion the Wonder Horse","John Noakes","Batman","Ian Paisley","Lionel Richie","Rod Hull","Henry VII","Hitler","Mussolini","Lucretia Borgia","Catherine of Aragon","L Ron Hubbard","Mick Aston","Torquemada","G W Bush \(no relation\)","Admiral Ackbar","Eddie Stobart","the Two Ronnies")
var n = (authArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (authArray[r])
}

function team()
{
var teamArray = new Array
("Real Madrid","Arsenal","Liverpool","Inverness CT","Stockport County","Hull","Dynamo Chalvey","Slough Town FC");
var n = (teamArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)



return (teamArray[r])
}



function picnumber() {
var n = 61
var r = qrand(n)
return r
}

function makeCaption() {

var w = WhoFull + " " + (participle()) + " in " + Where + " on " + datedy()
return cap(w)

}


function headThings() 
{
var n = 24
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
if (r == 0)	{w = "French"; rn = "the French"}
if (r == 1)	{w = "Germans"; rn = w}
if (r == 2)	{w = "Pakistanis"; rn = w}
if (r == 3)	{w = "Iraqis"; rn = w}
if (r == 4)	{w = "Americans"; rn = w}
if (r == 5)	{w = "Zulus"; rn = w}
if (r == 6)	{w = "Geordies"; rn = w}
if (r == 7)	{w = "Idiots"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 8)	{w = "Dimwits"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 9)	{w = "Owls"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 10)	{w = "Mice"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 11)	{w = "Socks"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 12)	{w = "Trees"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 13)	{w = "Goats"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 14)	{w = "Geese"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 15)	{w = "Potatoes"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 16)	{w = "Monkeys"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 17)	{w = "Limpets"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 18)	{w = "Freaks"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 19)	{w = "Carrots"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 20)	{w = "Toy cucumbers"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 21)	{w = "Wrong\-cats"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 22)	{w = "Sausages"; rn = (decap(w))}
if (r == 23) 	{w = "Space Invaders"; rn = w}


return w
}

function wpic() {
var n = 14
var r = qrand(n)

return "w" + r + ".gif"
}

function neg() {
var n = 30
var r = qrand(n)
if ( r < 8 ) {w = " not"}
else w = ""
return w
}

function decap(word) {
return word.substring(0,1).toLowerCase() + word.substring(1,word.length)
}

function cap(word) {
return word.substring(0,1).toUpperCase() + word.substring(1,word.length)
}




function things() {
var thingsArray = new Array
("towels","owls","clamps","inhalers","stethoscopes","foghorns","yolks","diplodocuses","laxatives","computers","footballs","crabs","beaks","noodles","shoelaces","stoats","crocuses","bombs","dossiers","gobstoppers","tongues","earlobes","pipes","courgettes","trumpets","cucumbers","worms","bowls","toasters","aubergines","pies","bees","wasps","earwigs","cows","dogs","haddocks","bells","candles","ghosts","socks","motorbikes","cars","trains","shoes","feet","fridges","kitchens","spoons","forks","dishes","carpets","tulips","wombats","storks","puddings","cowpats","toilets","wigs","toupees","beds","chairs","gorillas","camels","frogs","toads","rusks","peas","cats","beards","fish","turds","rabbits","oysters","clams","chicken","lemons","bats","potatoes","monkeys","limpets","codpieces","carrots","locusts","sheep","sausages","geese","turnips","mice","noses","jellyfish","barnacles","lobsters","molluscs","worms","chimps","baboons","polecats","weasels","gannets","axolotls","maggots","onions","radishes","dustbins","kebabs","mushrooms","macaroons","jamjars","toffees","toolboxes","pigeons","lampstands","hatstands","cornflakes","biscuits","eggcups","bobblehats","saveloys","fishcakes","dossiers","WMD","rusks","peas","cats","beards","fish","toast","butchers","rabbits","oysters","clams","weapons","Ricicles","lemons","bats","potatoes","monkeys","limpets","bees","carrots","locusts","sheep","chemicals","rice","crisps");
var n = (thingsArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (thingsArray[r])

}

function adda(s) 
{
var c = s.substring(0,1).toLowerCase()
if ( (s.substring(0,8) != "Eurasian") && 
 (c=='a' || c=='e' || c=='i' || c=='o' || c=='u') ) {
return "an " + s
}
else {
return "a " + s
}
}

function thing() {

var thingArray = new Array
("towel","owl","clamp","inhaler","stethoscope","foghorn","yolk","diplodocus","laxative","computer","football","crab","beak","noodle","shoelace","stoat","crocus","bomb","dossier","gobstopper","tongue","earlobe","pipe","courgette","trumpet","cucumber","worm","bowl","toaster","aubergine","pie","bee","wasp","earwig","cow","dog","haddock","bell","candle","ghost","sock","motorbike","car","train","shoe","foot","fridge","kitchen","spoon","fork","dish","carpet","tulip","wombat","stork","pudding","cowpat","toilet","wig","toupee","bed","chair","gorilla","camel","frog","toad","rusk","pea","cat","beard","fish","turd","rabbit","oyster","clam","chicken","lemon","bat","potato","monkey","limpet","codpiece","carrot","locust","sheep","sausage","goose","turnip","mouse","nose","jellyfish","barnacle","lobster","mollusc","worm","chimp","baboon","polecat","weasel","gannet","axolotl","maggot","onion","radish","dustbin","kebab","mushroom","macaroon","jamjar","toffee","toolbox","pigeon","lampstand","hatstand","cornflake","spatula","biscuit","eggcup","bobblehat");
var n = (thingArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
var w = (thingArray[r])



return w
}





function adv() 
{
var advArray = new Array
("enormously","ludicrously","ridiculously","dangerously","cheekily","thinly","obviously","boldly","frankly","insanely","happily","aggressively","dimly","vaguely","deservedly","seriously","critically","deeply","naughtily","severely","uselessly","highly","perfectly","totally","admirably","reprehensibly","moderately","rather","grimly","starkly","unreservedly","sneakily","plainly","gloomily","darkly","somewhat","occasionally","offensively","tastelessly","eerily","inexplicably","tremendously","fundamentally");
var n = (advArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (advArray[r])

}


function intransActionPlural() {
var n = 13
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
if (r == 0) 	w = "eat all the buns"
if (r == 1) 	w = "find Holy Grail"
if (r == 2) 	w = "disappoint at Olympics"
if (r == 3) 	w = "win World Cup"
if (r == 4) 	w = "fail drugs test"
if (r == 5) 	w = "wait for bus"
if (r == 6) 	w = "jump out of building"
if (r == 7) 	w = "set adrift on inflatable lobster"
if (r == 8) 	w = "try new angle"
if (r == 9) 	w = "dial wrong number"
if (r == 10) 	w = "shot down by " + (things())
if (r == 11) 	w = "admit failure"
if (r == 12) 	w = "get banana out of rucksack"

return w
}

function intransAction() {
var n = 29
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
if (r == 0) 	w = "resigns"
if (r == 1) 	w = "now disguised as " + (headPerson()) 
if (r == 2) 	w = "stalling over " + (gate())
if (r == 3) 	w = "abdicates"
if (r == 4) 	w = "heading for failure"
if (r == 5) 	w = "escapes to " + (doPlace())
if (r == 6) 	w = "features in this headline"
if (r == 7) 	w = "also elsewhere in this newspaper"
if (r == 8) 	w = "guilty of larceny"
if (r == 9) 	w = "falls in vat of Ronseal"
if (r == 10) 	w = "will become cyborg by 2005"
if (r == 11) 	w = "breaks down on podium"
if (r == 12) 	w = "offers " + (headPerson()) + " free trip to " + Where
if (r == 13) 	w = "knows everything, and several other things besides"
if (r == 14)	w = "gatecrashes Royal party"
if (r == 15) 	w = "apologises for \'Nazi\' jibe"
if (r == 16) 	w = "eats all the buns"
if (r == 17) 	w = "finds Holy Grail"
if (r == 18) 	w = "disappoints at Olympics"
if (r == 19) 	w = "wins World Cup"
if (r == 20) 	w = "fails drugs test"
if (r == 21) 	w = "waits for bus"
if (r == 22) 	w = "jumps out of building"
if (r == 23) 	w = "set adrift on inflatable lobster"
if (r == 24) 	w = "tries new angle"
if (r == 25) 	w = "dials wrong number"
if (r == 26) 	w = "shot down by " + (things())
if (r == 27) 	w = "admits failure"
if (r == 28) 	w = "gets banana out of rucksack"
return w
}

function tVerbSingPres() {
var tvspArray = new Array
("poisons","deceives","bans","ignores","swats","milks","strokes","condemns","breeds","murders","fondles","distrusts","abuses","disowns","knows","holds up","wrong-foots","establishes","appeases","fools","oils","duplicates","recycles","cooks","loves","dodges","investigates","questions","discovers","misses","dominates","supports","hospitalises","explains","treats","poaches","mentions","announces","dismisses","claims","refuses","produces","deserves");
var n = (tvspArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (tvspArray[r])
}


function iVerbSingPres() {
var ivspArray = new Array
("falls","runs","walks","jumps","sighs","stands","sits","complains","understands","waits","eats","ponders","reflects","sneers","yawns","awakes","sleeps","stretches","vomits","scratches","sniffs","sings","talks","shouts","whispers","listens","hesitates","stutters");
var n = (ivspArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (ivspArray[r])
}

function iVerbPluPres() {
var ivppArray = new Array
("fall","run","walk","jump","sigh","stand","sit","complain","understand","wait","eat","ponder","reflect","sneer","yawn","awaken","sleep","stretch","vomit","scratch","sniff","sing","talk","shout","whisper","listen","hesitate","stutter","surrender","give in","give up","fail","moan");
var n = (ivppArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (ivppArray[r])
}

function tVerbPluPres() {
var tvppArray = new Array
("hinder","attack","boil","hide","whisk","placate","destroy","dumbfound","confuse","consume","recycle","conceal","steal","fry","bake","brush","waylay");
var n = (tvppArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (tvppArray[r])
}


function whocant() {

var n = 2
var r = qrand(n)

if (r == 0)		s = tVerbSingPres() + " " + anyth()
if (r == 1)		s = "can\'t tell " + adda(thing()) + " from " + adda(thing())
return s
}

function anyth() {
var anyArray = new Array
("anything","nothing","everything");
var n = (anyArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (anyArray[r])
}


function gate() {
var n = 6
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
if (r == 0) 	w = "Iraqgate"
if (r == 1) 	w = "Chalveygate" 
if (r == 2) 	w = "Watergate"
if (r == 3) 	w = "Irangate"
if (r == 4) 	w = "Batmangate"
if (r == 5) 	w = "Cheesegate"


return w



}

function leadPhrase() {
var n = 26
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
if (r == 0) 	w = WhoFull + "\'s defence appeared to be crumbling this morning as "
if (r == 1) 	w = "A report commissioned by " + WhoFull + " claims that "
if (r == 2) 	w = "Early reports from " + WhoFull + "\'s press office indicate "
if (r == 3) 	w = "As " + WhoFull + " left for " + Where + " this morning, "
if (r == 4) 	w = "An independent inquiry into " + WhoFull + "\'s handling of the " + Where + " scandal revealed that "
if (r == 5) 	w = "It was revealed by " + WhoFull + " yesterday at teatime that "
if (r == 6) 	w = WhoFull + " suffered another blow yesterday as "
if (r == 7) 	w = "Support for " + WhoFull + " is increasing as "
if (r == 8) 	w = "Calls for " + WhoFull + " to resign grew louder today as "
if (r == 9) 	w = WhoFull + "\'s momentous decision on " + Where + " yesterday has taken " + (adda(adj())) + " turn as "
if (r == 10) 	w = WhoFull + " travels to " + Where + " later this evening after "
if (r == 11) 	w = "A leaked report claims " + WhoFull + "\'s secretary is involved in " + condition() + " after "
if (r == 12) 	w = "An off-the-record comment by " + WhoFull + ", supplied to <i>The Random Times</i>, implies "
if (r == 13) 	w = "Supporters of " + WhoFull + " were on the streets last night as "
if (r == 14) 	w = "The population of " + Where + " threatened mass action against " + WhoFull + " this morning as "
if (r == 15) 	w = "The Hutton Report criticised " + WhoFull + " this morning as "
if (r == 16) 	w = "Economic sanctions introduced by " + WhoFull + " continued to bite yesterday as "
if (r == 17) 	w = "Three million people remain in danger from " + WhoFull + " today as "
if (r == 18) 	w = WhoFull + "\'s bodyguards are still in hospital this morning after "
if (r == 19) 	w = WhoFull + "\'s condition remains critical after "
if (r == 20) 	w = WhoFull + " is still " + participle() + " over implications that "
if (r == 21) 	w = "Corporate backing for " + WhoFull + "\'s administration has fallen " + adv() + " as "
if (r == 22) 	w = "Public confidence in " + WhoFull + " is at an all-time low this morning as "
if (r == 23)	w = (cap(adda(nationality()))) + " poll condemns " + WhoFull + " after "
if (r == 24)  w = WhoFull + " was found not guilty of " + participle() + " last night as "
if (r == 25)  w = nationality() + " gunmen raided " + WhoFull + "'\s " + container() + " last night as "
return (cap(w))
}

function transActionPluralPlace() {
var n = 13
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
if (r == 0) 	w = "invade"
if (r == 1) 	w = "attack"
if (r == 2) 	w = "bomb"
if (r == 3) 	w = "nuke"
if (r == 4) 	w = "hole up in"
if (r == 5) 	w = "destroy"
if (r == 6) 	w = "wreck"
if (r == 7) 	w = "withdraw from"
if (r == 8) 	w = "build airbase in"
if (r == 9) 	w = "running amok in"
if (r == 10) 	w = "overrun"
if (r == 11) 	w = "occupy"
if (r == 12) 	w = "plunder"

return w
}

function transActionPlace() {
var n = 13
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
if (r == 0) 	w = "gets bus to"
if (r == 1) 	w = "buys"
if (r == 2) 	w = "plunders"
if (r == 3) 	w = "wanders aimlessly in"
if (r == 4) 	w = "at large in"
if (r == 5) 	w = "gets muted reception in"
if (r == 6) 	w = "feels wrath of"
if (r == 7) 	w = "enchanted by"
if (r == 8) 	w = "makes getaway to"
if (r == 9) 	w = "turns up unexpectedly in"
if (r == 10) 	w = "not impressed by"
if (r == 11) 	w = "secretly smuggling " + (things()) + " via"
if (r == 12) 	w = "cancels holiday in"

return w
}

function quote() {
var n = 18
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
if (r == 0) 	w = "Let them eat cake"
if (r == 1) 	w = "Kiss my ass"
if (r == 2) 	w = "Let\'s nuke \'em"
if (r == 3) 	w = "We are not bemused"
if (r == 4) 	w = "Iam responsible"
if (r == 5) 	w = "You\'re either with us or against us"
if (r == 6) 	w = "Iresign"
if (r == 7) 	w = "The dog did it"
if (r == 8) 	w = "Iam no longer in control"
if (r == 9) 	w = "Tough on milk, tough on the causes of milk"
if (r == 10) 	w = "You\'ve never had it so " + (adj())
if (r == 11) 	w = "Ihave a dream"
if (r == 12) 	w = "Nobody saw me do it"
if (r == 13)	w = "More tea, vicar?"
if (r == 14)	w = "Float like a butterfly, sting like " + adda(thing())
if (r == 15)	w = "Burn baby burn"
if (r == 16)	w = "No sex please - we're " + adj()
if (r == 17)  w = "We owe Arabs nothing"
return w

}


function nationality() {
var natArray = new Array
("Libyan","American","Iraqi","British","French","Israeli","Martian","German","Afghan","Pakistani","Indian","Russian","Italian","Syrian","Iranian","Palestinian","Czech","Hungarian","Swiss","Austrian","Ukrainian","Lebanese","Libyan","Algerian","Indonesian","Bolivian","Scottish","Welsh","Irish","Japanese","Chinese","Arab");
var n = (natArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (natArray[r])

}

function missingPerson() {
var missArray = new Array
("Paul Daniels","Engelbert Humperdinck","John of Gaunt","Jar-Jar Binks","Lord Lucan","Shergar","Richey Manic","Elvis","Batman","Davros","Mothman","Skeletor","Captain Oates","Lawrence of Arabia","Fletcher Christian","Ned Kelly","Lord Palmerston","JR Ewing","Mozart","Emile Zola","Saladin","Cardinal Richelieu","Napoleon","Jesus","Hitler","Mussolini","Abraham Lincoln","Jive Bunny","Alexander the Great","Oscar Wilde","Timon of Athens");
var n = (missArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (missArray[r])

}

function clue() {
var n = 17
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
var ad = adj()
var wlen = qrand(12)
if ( r == 0 ) 	w = (occupation()) + " " + (participle()) + " " + (adv()) + " with woman? " + (cap(ad)) + "!"
if ( r == 1 ) 	w = (adv()) + " " + (adj()) + " " + (thing()) + " " + (participleObj()) + " " + (thing()) + "?"
if ( r == 2 )	w = (adj()) + " " + (nationality()) + " " + (thing()) + ", possibly, about " + (things())
if ( r == 3 )	w = (nationality()) + " " + (things()) + ", " + (adj()) + ", but not " + (adj())
if ( r == 4 )	w = (passiveplural()) + " " + (condition())
if ( r == 5 )	w = (adj()) + " " + (occupation()) + " is " + (adj()) + ", we hear" 
if ( r == 6 )	w = (thing()) + " taken aback by " + (occupation())
if ( r == 7 ) 	w = "More " + (adj()) + " than " + (adj()) + ", it seems"
if ( r == 8 )	w = (things()) + " mixed up by " + (occupation())
if ( r == 9 )	w = (nationality()) + " " + (condition()) + " - " + (adv()) + " done!"
if ( r == 10 )	w = (occupation()) + " " + (tVerbSingPres()) + " " + (thing())
if ( r == 11 )	w = (occupation()) + "\'s " + (thing())
if ( r == 12 ) 	w = (things()) + " for " + (occupation()) + "\'s " + " brother - who " + (tVerbSingPres()) + " them"
if ( r == 13 ) 	w = "This could be " + (adv()) + " " + (adj()) + " - in " + (doPlace())
if ( r == 14 ) 	w = (tVerbSingPres()) + " " + (occupation()) + ", but " + (adv())
if ( r == 15 ) 	w = (occupation()) + " " + (iVerbSingPres()) + " while " + (occupation()) + " " + (iVerbSingPres()) 
if ( r == 16 )	w = (thing()) + " hidden in " + (container())
return cap(w) + " \(" + wlen + "\)"
}

function occupation() {
var occArray = new Array
("Dalek","Cyberman","asylum-seeker","suicide bomber","woman-repressor","illusionist","magician","nonce","leader","guru","minister","expert","linesman","wrestler","madman","policeman","geisha","spy","genius","ratcatcher","composer","astronaut","physicist","terrorist","politician","baker","butcher","pimp","arms dealer","ambassador","diplomat","defector","admiral","peasant","weapons inspector","lorry driver","chauffeur","senator","prince","director","pop star","thief","criminal","shoplifter","drag queen","journalist","cameraman","editor","doctor","nurse","fireman","teacher","headmaster","farmer","imam","tourist","newsreader","architect","musician","artist","slacker","tramp","spin doctor","high court judge","priest","vicar","archbishop","cardinal","teenager","estate agent","author","juror","comedian","footballer","goalkeeper","accountant","broker","philosopher","prophet","nudist","druid","soldier","burglar","thug","outlaw","bandit","monarch","king","tyrant","dictator","duke","duchess","emir","bureaucrat","president","slave","milkman","postman","bodyguard","butler","charlady","chaperone","pensioner","eunuch","robot","squire","rebel","mutineer","partisan","bounty hunter","Jedi","yokel","troglodyte","fundamentalist");
var n = (occArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (occArray[r])
}



function container() {
var contArray = new Array
("spider-hole","cupboard","goblins\' cache","briefcase","toby jug","chamber pot","thermos flask","colander","sanctum","biscuit tin","tea chest","plastic bag","souvenir mug","wine bottle","chip shop","teaspoon","rusty ladle","bus station","forgotten gulag","tumble dryer","fig plantation","meat pie","abbatoir","cutlery drawer","compost heap","toaster","clay oven","dustbin","upturned bowl","crisp bag","bath","cave of disgusting wind","secret hideout","treehouse","greenhouse","wendy house","back garden","wheelie bin");
var n = (contArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)

return (contArray[r])
}

function adj() {
var adjArray = new Array
("cantankerous","breezy","unsettled","volcanic","tidal","wintry","autumnal","sunny","rainy","thundery","cloudy","overcast","lively","fertile","apocalyptic","sinister","abnormal","bewildered","haggard","furious","uncontrollable","idiotic","drivelling","eccentric","odd","whimsical","uncaring","sloppy","ignored","tactless","cavalier","flippant","mercurial","bleary","bad","jittery","purple","better","jolly","quaint","tender","beautiful","kind","quiet","testy","big","long","quick","tricky","black","lazy","tough","blue","bright","rare","ugly","clumsy","ratty","vast","crazy","mighty","red","watery","dizzy","mushy","roasted","wasteful","dull","nasty","robust","wide-eyed","fat","new","round","wonderful","frail","nice","sad","yellow","friendly","nosy","scary","yummy","funny","nutty","scrawny","zany","great","nutritious","short","green","odd","silly","gigantic","orange","stingy","gorgeous","ordinary","strange","grumpy","pretty","striped","handsome","precious","spotty","happy","prickly","horrible","tall","itchy","tame","alive","dead","manky","leprous","green","struggling","old","young","uncool","crazy","mad","dry","feisty","untainted","lame","hiding","dodgy","unpopular","wet","enormous","shabby","lying","gay","stupid","unconvincing","ruminating","cheesy","rotten","putrid","stinking","bitter","acrid","insipid","throbbing","calm","buttery","low-bandwidth","high-gain","trigger-happy");

var n = (adjArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)

return (adjArray[r])
}

function opinion() {
var opArray = new Array
("bruce","mario","claude","wibbot","gold Ted","vladimir","lumps","max","milo","sooty","ladislas","percival","pilchard","ginger","beef","onion","biggles","saucy");
var n = (opArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)


Pic = (opArray[r]) + ".jpg"
var ted = (opArray[r])
return (cap(ted))
}

function getpic() {

return Pic
}

function participle() {
var particArray = new Array
("fooling about","larking","playing","stumbling","clowning about","babbling","talking nonsense","drooling","prevaricating","hiding","whispering","burrowing","confessing","lying","dissenting","developing","malingering","preaching","talking","shouting","sighing","digressing","rambling","holding forth","hesitating","faltering","sniffing","gesturing","floundering");
var n = (particArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)

return (particArray[r])
}


function participleObj() {
var particoArray = new Array
("absolving","whitewashing","falsifying","recalling","conjuring up","foretelling","concocting","fabricating","inventing","making up","perplexing","confusing","resolving","revealing","exposing","proclaiming","suppressing","confronting","briefing","understanding","disguising","divulging","admitting","spreading","circulating","corrupting","disowning","retouching","portraying","starting","discussing","initiating","setting fire to","rubbing","massaging","caressing","perfecting","troubling");
var n = (particoArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)

return (particoArray[r])
}

function duty() {
var dutyArray = new Array
("price-fixing","towel-folding","missionary","sex","dwarf-tossing","egg","meat","ironing","frog-proofing","minelaying","cat-rubbing","boil lancing");
var n = (dutyArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)

return (dutyArray[r])
}


function condition() {
var condArray = new Array
("surrealism","reality","disbelief","democracy","tyranny","cynicism","sarcasm","futility","probing","discomfort","bravery","looting","rampage","stink","stench","butchery","devilry","destabilisation","destruction","annihilation","humiliation","appeasement","mess","obfuscation","stalemate","impasse","overuse","ineptitude","dismay","electrocution","manicure","disappointment","stardom","fame","disease","leakage","victory","failing","imbecility","surrender","makeover","resuscitation","therapy","shooting","sacking","impotence","freezing","meltdown","washing","capitulation","rehabilitation","scandal","ostracism","resignation","investment","withdrawal","surgery","flatulence","stupidity","amputation","bombing","enthusiasm","rumour","gossip","impeachment","admission","confusion","panic","distrust","suspicion");

var n = (condArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)

return (condArray[r])
}

function passiveplural() {
var pasplArray = new Array
("in two minds about","pondering over","fretting about","hiding from","thinking about","fussing over","obsessing about","disappointed by","impressed by","infected by","influenced by","overrun by","indebted to","in bed with","addicted to","falling for","engorged with","plagued by","unsure of","assimiliated by","thwarted by","under the thumb of","supplanted by","subjected to","undermined by","beaten by","threatened by","trampled by","caught in the pub with","fed up of","unaffected by","saved by","in talks with","hiding from","unhappy with","laid waste by");

var n = (pasplArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)

return (pasplArray[r])
}

function subhead() {
var subArray = new Array
("All your base are belong to Bush","Spiderman confirmed lost under rusty cooker","Subsonic toad to blame for hammock disaster","Charlie Sheen caught incubating molluscs in tea-chest","Spare pie count suspiciously low, spurious research claims","Lego evolution totally dependent on reversible yellow thumb","Pal/Chum/Matey confusion: Dog foams at mouth, kids bathe in meat","Roswell UFO finally identified as bee carrying potato","Slough Town FC signs entire Chinese nation after Bosman ruling","Chairman Mao implicated in unicycle theft","Shergar spotted in Europe\'s only hat museum","Chimps build giant lobster out of Lego","Thora Hird: Dry Mug Hell","Richard III becomes world's oldest nun","Kittens officially funnier than cress","More football imminent","No Beckham actions left unreported","PHP version of <i>The Random Times<\/i> not coming soon at all","Bugdozer already there","I also cook","B: Integer out of range","Arsenal unbeaten since lunchtime","Football more important than anything","Crocodile tears fail to cure armless Iraqi boy","Very special nobesing of that","Hoon not on holiday, for once","Sung-ink impaw'ant appnin' in Eastenders","Athens still not ready for 1896 Olympics","Pills may cause drowsiness, warns label","Chatroom responsible for World War I","Internet to blame for everything","T*ploader albums unfortunately still available","Everyone must do everything faster","Blair spotted in own country","Someone watching <i>Baywatch<\/i> somewhere, probably","Life couldn\'t dog man without face","Man couldn\'t face life without dog","Belgium still there, says survey","Krakatoa: west or east?","No space left on device, says error message","Leeks to inherit earth","Japan sunk by inflatable crocus again","Portugal stolen by broccoli","Someone to blame for something","<i>Random Times</i> editor bored of this now","RIAA sues itself for job-sharing","Yawn","Rumsfel...oh, I can't be bothered","Two-faced handshake fails to disguise insincerity","Vacuous comment by Straw &quot;inevitable&quot;","The government should do something","Oh the huge manatee","Horror of orange mirror","Moaning fails to improve weather","Get a brain, morans!","I done good writn","Why oh why oh why?","Southern England brought to standstill by snowflake","Batman to sponsor new M4 &quot;bat lane&quot;","Everyone terrorists except Bush, says Bush","I\'m Spartacus, and so are all my mates","Asfdgfsdga;;jhkllhj;","Crikey!","Man sits down","No news about anything today","Ban sick \'random news\' website, says someone","Kevin Bacon linked to al&#8209;Qaeda","Bomb goes off somewhere","Dot Cotton\'s dotcom cot con","Grendel mint cake","Caesar frees geezer from freezer","Mil etter mil etter mil etter mil etter mil etter mil etter mil etter mil","Careless stork costs lives","Am I in here\?","Cat\'s bum stinks worse than breath","Salt lick still world\'s most popular bovine snack","Space Raiders raid space invaded by Space Invaders","Spider spied inside pie","Brad Pitt unstuck by bad Pritt","Stink of birdies","Hic est lodus bollocae","Tonto\'s two two-tone touch-tone phone woe","500 Elves loose","500 Elvises loose","L Ron Hubbard stuck in Elrond's cupboard","Figleytobis shortage","Space Invaders invade space","Tron escapes via USB port","Stupid headline should be here","Pol Pot tops popular pot poll","Following story has nothing to do with headline","Blah blah blah","Birdies apparently made of meats" );
var n = (subArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (subArray[r])
}


function PlaceorPerson() {
var n = 2
var r = qrand(n)
var w = ""
if (r == 0 )	w = Where
if (r == 1 )	w = Who
return cap(w)
}

function remVowels(str) {

newStr = str.toUpperCase()
newStr1 = newStr.replace(/ATE/g, "8")
newStr2 = newStr1.replace(/FOR/g, "4")

newStr3 = newStr2.replace(/a|e|u/ig, "")
newStr4 = newStr3.replace(/lsqo/gi, "lsquo")
newStr5 = newStr4.replace(/rsqo/gi, "rsquo")
newStr6 = newStr5.replace(/nbsp/gi, "nbsp")
newStr7 = newStr6.replace(/ to /gi, " 2 ")
return newStr7

}

function buildHeadline() {
var n = 50
var r = qrand(n)
if ( r == 0 )  	s = cap(Who) + " " + (transActionPlace()) + " " + Where
if ( r == 1 )  	s = cap(Who) + " accused of &lsquo;sexing up&rsquo; " + (thing())
if ( r == 2 )	s = (nationality()) + " " + (occupation()) + " " + (transActionPlace()) + " " + Where
if ( r == 3 )  	s = "Doubts cast on " + nationality() + " " + (condition()) + " claims"
if ( r == 4 )  	s = cap(Who) + ": " + (quote())
if ( r == 5 )  	s = cap(Who) + " " + (intransAction())
if ( r == 6 )  	s = cap(Who) + " condemns " + nationality() + " " + condition()
if ( r == 7 )  	s = cap(Who) + " implicated in " + (thing()) + " " + (condition())
if ( r == 8 )  	s = (nationality()) + " " + (thing()) + " outbreak limited to " + (container())
if ( r == 9 )	s = (nationality()) + " " + (occupation()) + " " + (intransAction())
if ( r == 10)	s = (missingPerson()) + " found alive in " + (container())
if ( r == 11)	s = cap(Who) + " still " + (adj()) + " despite " + (condition())
if ( r == 12)	s = cap(Who) + " signs for " + (team())
if ( r == 13)	s = cap(Who) + " calls " + (headPerson()) + " " + (adv()) + " " + (adj()) + " " + (occupation()) + ""
if ( r == 14)  	s = (PlaceorPerson()) + " " + (passiveplural()) + " " + (things())
if ( r == 15)	s = (PlaceorPerson()) + " " + (adv()) + " " + (adj()) + " after " + (condition())
if ( r == 16)	s = cap(Who) + " accused of " + (participleObj()) + " " + (thing())
if ( r == 17)	s = cap(Who) + " still " + (participle())
if ( r == 18)	s = cap(Who) + " " + (iVerbSingPres()) + " " + (adv()) + " " + " during " + (condition())
if ( r == 19)	s = cap(Who) + " expected to " + (iVerbPluPres())
if ( r == 20) s = "Al-Jazeera releases new " + Who + " footage"
if ( r == 21)	s = cap(Who) + " linked to al&#8209;Qaeda"
if ( r == 22)	s = "SARS virus contained in " + nationality() + " " + container()
if ( r == 23)	s = cap(Who) + " " + passiveplural() + " himself"
if ( r == 24) s = cap(Who) + " show suspended after &lsquo;" + nationality() + " " + occupation() + "&rsquo; jibe"
if ( r == 25) s = cap(Who) + " knows known knowns, claims report"
if ( r == 26) s = "Is this the new face of " + Where + "?"
if ( r == 27) s = "No WMD in " + Who + "\'s " + container() + " either"
if ( r == 28) s = "Fury over record " + thing()  + " profits"
if ( r == 29) s = "Church split over gay " + occupation()
if ( r == 30) s = cap(Who) + " appointed as new NHS czar"
if ( r == 31) s = cap(Who) + " calls for " + thing() + " inquiry "
if ( r == 32) s = cap(Who) + " uploads himself to file-sharing network"
if ( r == 33) s = company() + " offices destroyed by remote-controlled " + thing()
if ( r == 34) s = Where + " now so " + adj() + " only " + things() + " can live there"
if ( r == 35) s = "Anger as fat-cat " + occupation() + " gets &pound;" + qrand(50) + " payrise"
if ( r == 36) s = cap(Who) + "-cloning experiment turns " + adv() + " " + adj()
if ( r == 37) s = cap(Who) + " continues to " + tVerbPluPres() + " himself"
if ( r == 38) s = nationality() + " Intelligence inquiry leads to " + Who + "\'s door"
if ( r == 39) s = cap(thing()) + " network needs &pound;" + qrand(578) + " investment by 2010, says " + Who
if ( r == 40) s = Where + " could deploy " + things() + " in 45 minutes, claims " + Who
if ( r == 41) s = "Iraq Survey Group finds " + things() + " instead"
if ( r == 42) s = cap(thing()) + " " + condition() + " may affect house prices"
if ( r == 43) s = cap(Who) + " " + (intransAction())
if ( r == 44)	s = cap(Who) + " " + (intransAction())
if ( r == 45) s = company() + " scandal takes " + adj() + " turn"
if ( r == 46) s = cap(Who) + " survives powder attack "
if ( r == 47) s = "Olympics to be held in " + Where + " owing to " + thing() + " shortage"
if ( r == 48) s = "New pictures of " + nationality() + " " + thing() + " abuse published"
if ( r == 49) s = cap(Who) + " brainwashed by " + things()
return s
}

function helpingWith() {
var helpArray = new Array
("anything","some crisps","their operation","a bird table","a crossword","their enquiries","something","a lollipop","their Masterchef application","four turnips","their investigation")
var n = (helpArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (helpArray[r])
}

function expert() {
var expArray = new Array
("J T Ripper","Baroness Thatcher","Catherine of Aragon","Baby Lumps","Uncle Baby Lumps","Sharold Hipman","Teeth","Hook","Frank N Stein","Pierre van Hooijdonk","Estots Bastots","Frog","Albert T Gorilla","P Diddy","A T Medics","Erasmus Darlin","Danny de Vimto","Sir Fottle","Gilet de Sauvetage","Josiah Wedgewood","Albert Speer");
var n = (expArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (expArray[r])
}

function uni() {
var uniArray = new Array
("Nubtraps Polytechnic","the Chalvey Institute of Wheat","Pretend University","the Association of Beaglers","Bournemouth University","Seaside University of Fun","the Langley Cod Research Institute","Derby Institute","Bracknell Surgeon\'s College","Acton Research Institute of Institutional Research","Batley Women\'s Institute");
var n = (uniArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (uniArray[r])
}

function buildSentence() {

return blah
}

function planet() {
var planetArray = new Array
("Mercury","Venus","Mars","Jupiter","Neptune","Uranus","Saturn","Pluto");

var n = (planetArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (planetArray[r])
}

function group() {
var groupArray = new Array
("National Dirt Advisory Board","Ministry of Gubbins","Parliamentary Arse Committee","Yolk Marketing Board","Guild of Badgers","Cheap Trophy Association","Department of Bovine Health","DHSS","KGB","Fictitious Lump Council","National Dew Service","Suturer\'s Society","Juniper Advice Council","Royal Society of Whelk Prevention","National Sock Office","Israeli Fluff Association","Bakelite Surfer\'s Union","Shake n Vac Reformation Group");
var n = (groupArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (groupArray[r])



}


function As() {
var n = 7
var r = qrand(n)

if ( r == 0 ) s = "he was found " + participle() + " in " + (adda(container())) + " in an attempt to delay " + datedy() + "\'s UN deadline"
if ( r == 1 )	s = (adda(nationality())) + " " + (occupation()) + " was accused of " + (condition()) + " in connection with " + Who + "\'s " + (adj()) + " new " + (thing()) + " policy"
if ( r == 2 )	s = "an unprecedented verbal attack by " + (missingPerson()) + " left some " + adj() + " questions unanswered"
if ( r == 3 )	s = (nationality()) + " casualties in " + Where + " reached 500 this morning"
if ( r == 4 )	s = "an assassination attempt on the " + nationality() + " leader failed owing to too much " + participle()
if ( r == 5 ) s = "he " + adv() + " denied any involvement in the " + company() + " " + duty() + " scandal"
if ( r == 6 ) s = "he appeared to claim that all " + nationality() + " politicians were terrorists"
return s
}

function sciquote() {
var n = 7
var r = qrand(n)

if ( r == 0 )	s = "This will cause a lot of trouble for " + WhoFull + ", so he must start " + participle() + " quickly. It\'ll be worse if he\'s " + passiveplural() + " it"
if ( r == 1 )	s = "It\'s " + (adda(adj())) + " example of " + nationality() + " " + condition() + ". I can\'t remember a case quite as " + adj() + " as this, nor as " + adv() + " contrived"
if ( r == 2 )	s = "Normally in this kind of situation we would" + neg() + " expect " + Who + " to " + iVerbPluPres() + ". But that just hasn\'t happened, and it may lead to " + condition()
if ( r == 3 )	s = "I don't know anything about " + condition() + ", I don\'t know why you\'re asking me. My speciality is " + things() + ". You should try asking " + adda(thing()) + " instead"
if ( r == 4 )	s = "With " + (adda(adj())) + " application of " + things() + " this could easily be remedied. It won\'t make him " + iVerbPluPres() + " though - he\'s a typical " + occupation()
if ( r == 5 )	s = "I could have predicted exactly this kind of " + condition() + " last " + datedy() + ". But I was at the shops, buying a new " + thing()
if ( r == 6 )	s = "The entire thing is " + (adda(adv())) + " " + adj() + " sham. You wait until " + Who + " starts " + participle() + ", then there\'ll be " + condition() + ". It may be " + (adj()) + " but it's not unjustified"
return s
}

function tv() {
var tvArray = new Array
("Cheggers Plays Pop!","Airwolf","Batman","University Cabbinge","Willo The Wisp","Barbapapa","Playbus","Richard &amp; Judy","Crossroads","The Professionals","Kilroy","Panorama","Big Brother 8","Ant &amp; Dec","Eastenders","Button Moon");
var n = (tvArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (tvArray[r])

}

function compiler() {
var compArray = new Array
("Nibus","Crocus","Lumbago","Epicurus","Nexus","Cicero","Boswelox","Cadeuceus","Achilles","Stobby","Typhus","Polio","Cloaca","Bacillus","Morbilli","Linctus");
var n = (compArray.length)
var r = qrand(n) 
return (compArray[r])

}

function soundbite() {
var n = 10
var r = qrand(n)

if ( r == 0 )	s = "The " + nationality() + " authorities informed me of this on " + datedy() + ". Since then I have been sitting in my " + container() + " " + passiveplural() + " my response"
if ( r == 1 )	s = "It\'s all just " + adj() + " nonsense. If I'd been in " + Where + " I would be " + passiveplural() + " it. The fact is I was actually " + participle() + " in my " + container() + " at the time"
if ( r == 2 )	s = "These rumours are " + adj() + ". It is" + neg() + " now prudent to talk of " + condition()
if ( r == 3 )	s = "It's their own fault. They shouldn't even be in my " + container() + ". This sort of rumour just " + tVerbSingPres() + " " + anyth()
if ( r == 4 )	s = "This decision could not be more " + adj() + ". I am " + adv() + " annoyed about it - nobody ever expects politicians to " + iVerbPluPres()
if ( r == 5 )	s = "I cannot believe how " + adv() + " this situation has come to a head. It\'s just " + adj()
if ( r == 6 )	s = "The " + nationality() + " forces in " + Where + " must comply with our " + adj() + " demands. No quarter will be given"
if ( r == 7 )	s = "Lies, lies, lies. It's all " + adj() + ". The " + nationality() + " government must take some of the blame for this " + condition() 
if ( r == 8 )	s = "I have" + neg() + " been " + adv() + " " + passiveplural() + " this " + condition()
if ( r == 9 )	s = "Our policy on " + Where + " is" + neg() + " one of " + condition() + ". We cannot allow further " + condition() + " to occur"
return s
}

function company() {
var comArray = new Array
("Nokia","Adobe","Hewlett-Packard","AOL","Time-Warner","Sun","Kazaa","Xerox","Microsoft","Napster","Halliburton","Enron","Bechtel","IBM","Intel","Parmalat","Barclaycard","eBay","Tesco","Apple","Sony","Dell","Nintendo","Wal-Mart","WorldCom","Compaq","Mozilla");
var n = (comArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (comArray[r])

}



function when() {

var whenArray = new Array
("tomorrow","today","this morning","yesterday","last week","the other day","this afternoon","yesterday evening");
var n = (whenArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (whenArray[r])

}
function firstname() {

var fnArray = new Array
("Woot","Samson","Agrippa","Fogbert","Gary","Paolo","Zinedine","Ronaldo","Gandalf","Fred","Bob","Roger","Thierry","Hernan","Ashraf","Saddam al","Boris","Ted","Thaddeus","Sholto","Albert","Pongo","Gollum","Peter","Michael","Fonz","Elrond","Aragorn","Dubya","Ernest","Janet&nbsp;von","Scipio","Tufty","Dobbo","Lux","Herbert","Bill","Alf","Warrelwast");

var n = (fnArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (fnArray[r])
}

function lastname() {
var lnArray = new Array
("Lulume","Laudrup","Schmeichel","Beardsley","Lineker","Henry","Owen","Beckham","Anelka","Crespo","Fishpond","Gnat","Lugosi","Karloff","Bakelite","Handbag","Whistle","Ropeladder","Stump","Smith","Unguent","Embrocation","Sloth","Lardwitz","Bovis","Draining-Board","Woogle","Carrageenan","Pork","Oilskin","Rumpo","Fiddle-Faddle","Pastry","Clock","Crocus","Sandwich","Ronaldo");

var n = (lnArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (lnArray[r])

}

function teamgen() {
var teamfirstArray = new Array
("Dynamo","Real","FC","AC","Inter","Sporting","Club","Racing","Atletico","AFC","","Rapid","","","");

var nn = (teamfirstArray.length)
var rr = qrand(nn)


var teamsecondArray = new Array
("York","Shakespeare","Camus","Satan","Lucifer","juicer","pontiff","Athens","hieroglyph","Pok&eacute;mon","qwerty","bum","crisps","Crippen","Davros","clamp","inhaler","stethoscope","foghorn","yolk","Diplodocus","laxative","computer","football","Dalek","Cyberman","West&nbsp;Bromwich","Jerez","Lisbon","Barcelona","Barclaycard","paypal","ebay","Milan","Marseille","Madrid","crocus","Mordor","Fruitcake","Microsoft","Napster","BBC","Halliburton","Enron","Bechtel","IBM","Intel","Parmalat","crab","shoelace","stoat","gobstopper","tongue","courgette","trumpet","cucumber","toaster","aubergine","pie","bee","wasp","earwig","dog","haddock","sock","motorbike","shoe","foot","fridge","kitchen","spoon","fork","carpet","tulip","wombat","stork","pudding","cowpat","toilet","wig","toupee","bed","chair","gorilla","camel","frog","toad","fish","toast","rabbit","oyster","clam","chicken","lemon","bat","potato","monkey","limpet","codpiece","carrot","locust","sheep","sausage","goose","turnip","nose","jellyfish","barnacle","lobster","mollusc","worm","chimp","baboon","polecat","weasel","gannet","axolotl","maggot","onion","radish","dustbin","kebab","mushroom","macaroon","gravy","toffee","pigeon","lampstand","hatstand","biscuit","eggcup","bobblehat","North&nbsp;Korea","Kiev","Moscow","Libya","Austerlitz","Cairo","Waterloo","Sparta","Britwell","Calcutta","Vladivostok","Irkutsk","Helsinki","Bannockburn","Antarctica","Pigeon&nbsp;Street","Sumeria","Byzantium","Troy","Kiribati","Vesuvius","Pompeii","Gaul","Moxley","Chalvey","Syria","Cuba","Slough","Bracknell","Staines","Langley","Bournemouth","Cardiff","Inverness");

var bb = (teamsecondArray.length)
var cc = qrand(bb)

var teamthirdArray = new Array
("United","Rovers","Town","Wanderers","Albion","County","FC","Park&nbsp;Rangers","City");

var dd = (teamthirdArray.length)
var ee = qrand(dd)

if ( (teamfirstArray[rr]) != "" )
return (teamfirstArray[rr]) + " " + cap(teamsecondArray[cc])
else return cap(teamsecondArray[cc]) + " " + (teamthirdArray[ee])

}

function pass() {
var passArray = new Array
("pass","cross","delivery","corner","header","drag-back","thunderbolt","lob","chip","banana shot","error","layoff","mistake","effort");
var n = (passArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (passArray[r])

}

function goal() {
var goalArray = new Array
("bundled","hammered","side-footed","knocked","shouldered","headed","spooned","coaxed","sliced","belted","rammed","sucked");
var n = (goalArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (goalArray[r])

}

function stuff() {
var stuffArray = new Array
("nandrolone","Pyrex","Pantene","Polyfilla","Nurofen","dopamine","bitumen","cocaine","Bisto","Colgate","Aquafresh","Swarfega");
var n = (stuffArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (stuffArray[r])

}

function celebrity() {

var celebArray = new Array
("Gordon Ramsay","Kerry McFadden","Edwina Currie","Razor Ruddock","Jono Coleman","Lowri Turner","Charles Ingram","Michael Buerk","Jordan","Peter Andre","Victoria Beckham","Geri Halliwell","David Sneddon","Jade Goody","Johnny Rotten","Arsemint Butty","McDondo Slimecab","Jennie Bond","Lord Brocket","Christine Hamilton","Freddie Starr","Paris Hilton");
var n = (celebArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)

return (celebArray[r])
}

function software() {
var softArray = new Array
("P2P app","product","software","technology","beta version","hardware","plug-in","add-on","bot","security app","virus","chipset","application");
var n = (softArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (softArray[r])
}

function compaction() {
var actArray = new Array
("unveils","develops","introduces","announces","working on","testing","shows off");
var n = (actArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (actArray[r])
}

function techprefix() {
var tpfxArray = new Array
("File","Win","Zip","Wire","Fire","Log","Tera","Giga","Chat","Soft","Spam","Tel","Touch","Com","e-","Tech","Digi","i-","Net","Web","Auto","Gen","Data","Byte","Mem","Key","Secure","Photo");
var n = (tpfxArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (tpfxArray[r])
}

function horogen() {

var n = 7
var r = qrand(n)

if (r == 0) s = "The absence of " + things() + " may trouble you today, but " + planet() + "\'s " + adj() + " presence in Virgo leaves you " + passiveplural() + " " + things()
if (r == 1) s = planet() + " moves into your third house today. Consequently there's no room for you. Out you go. You will spend " + when() + " watching repeats of " + tv() + " instead"
if (r == 2) s = "Who knows what might befall you today? Why not ask " + celebrity() + "? Bound to be some " + adj() + " nonsense there"
if (r == 3) s = "A chance encounter with " + adda(occupation()) + " will put you in " + adda(adj()) + " mood. But remember, " + things() + " may be more " + adj() + " than they first seem"
if (r == 4) s = "If you see " + adda(thing()) + " today, do not " + tVerbPluPres() + " it. It may dupe you into " + participle() + ". This has nothing to do with " + planet() + " or " + things()
if (r == 5) s = "It\'s " + local() + "\'s birthday today - he is " + qrand(150) + ". He got " + adda(thing()) + ". You didn\'t. Get over it. Start " + participle() + " instead - and don't be so " + adj() + ". You know what I mean"
if (r == 6) s = cap(when()) + " you may have noticed that all your " + things() + " had gone a bit " + adj() + ". Try not to be scared - it's just cosmic " + condition() + " at work. If you're really worried, find " + adda(container()) + " to hide in"
return s
}

function lucky() {
var luckyArray = new Array
("idiot: Wreford","day beginning with D: D-Day","item to throw at Tony Blair: brick","starch derivative: kapok","cheese: Babybel","chess opening gambit: Petrov\'s Defence","wind noise: whooooossssssssh","additive: E412","actor: Anton Diffring","protocol: WAP","motorway: the M56","temperature of dog\'s nose: cold","orange thing: an orange","root vegetable: bacon","weatherman: Peter Cockcroft","Geordie phrase: \'my mother knitted that\'","pontiff: Pope Joan","rubbish law: 1983 Fish &amp; Biscuits Act","primate: gorillure","midnight snack: damp toast","UNIX command: nice","Berkshire postcode: SL2 3RS","cereal: Bran Flakes","ISP: Wanadoo","bearded prophet: Jesus","mileometer reading: 12000","thing made of tin: the Bastille","mis-spelling of \'geese'\: gesse","onion: National Onion of Mineworkers","bat-dwelling: cave","Hellenic country: Greece","telephone number: 07789 514782","distillation by-product: putty","tree: hornbeam","maritime smell: oilskin","celebrity garment: Batman\'s trousers","fish: gurnet","disinfectant: Domestos","collective noun: brood","large-scale producer of brine: the Pacific Ocean","colour: taupe","day: last Sunday"," superhero: Spiderman"," petrol to oil ratio for 2-stroke engine: 13-1"," anagram of \'lawnmower\': manwowler","weapon: Force Stealer","frequency: 6Ghz");

var n = (luckyArray.length)
var r = qrand(n)
return (luckyArray[r])


}